The shared custody It is one of the issues that divide the positions regarding what is best for children in case of divorce. And more and more couples with children decide that a separation is best for everyone. However, the formula that gives security to children and opportunities for both parents to develop their paternity and maternity globally remains a topic to be discussed in society.
I, as a mother separated from my son's father, tell you my experience. We do not see the need for anyone, judge or lawyer, to decide the best way to develop our fatherhood. Fortunately, and I know that this is not the case in many cases, we maintain a relationship of cordiality and trust and have learned to maintain common and agreed criteria to give our child the best.
We stopped living when our son was four years old. At that time, the child was breastfeeding, collecting and also it was the mother who had taken priority care of her daily care. For the child it was his fundamental attachment figure, although, of course, he maintained a deep emotional and direct relationship with his father. But I didn't want to be away from mom, and that was the most important thing.
Overnight and visits
Our way of organizing has changed as both personal circumstances and the child's own evolution changed. At the beginning he spent the night with his dad one weekend every two, one night at the beginning and, when he was prepared and happy to expand it, two.
The visits to the child were never necessary to leave them agreed, his father can see him whenever he wants, be it one, two, or five days a week, what his work obligations would allow him, that it is quite difficult to cross half the city to spend time with the child.
At home he has always had keys for an emergency and has always been able to see the child, or take him to spend a day with him. Currently our son spends his father every weekend, from Friday to Sunday, or the days he can have free at work and comes to see him two or three afternoons a week.
Holidays
With the holidays we are flexible. Since I can spend them with him, since I work at home, he usually goes with his father when he has a vacation and does not have to turn to third parties for his care. But when we are on vacation at the beach his father comes to see him every weekend he can, since we both have a house in the same town on the beach.
The truth is that vacations are a subject that is very complicated. I do not imagine a child of two or three years two weeks without his mother, but I do not see him without seeing his father continuously.
As always, adults have to put the child's interest above our desires. And everyone has to have self-criticism to assess their involvement in parenting before separation and what they can have afterwards, because leaving the child with caregivers is not always better than leaving them with the other member of the couple.
I understand that my case is a particular case, but I tell you because I think it can give the key to how adapt our desire to be with the child to your needs. For us, the good of the child comes first, above our desires, and we have decided to let it be he who sets the pace for the separation of the mother. I am sure that he has benefited and reinforced, through trust and respect, the relationship with his father, who is wonderful and intense.
The child comes first
I am sure that it has been hard for his father to give up the child's time equally, he missed him and he loves him very much. But I thank you for putting the wishes and interests of emotional stability of the child to their own.
That has been fruitful and both now trust each other, know each other and respect each other, in a way that surely would not have been possible if he had demanded a visiting schedule stricter from the beginning, when the boy was not prepared to separate from his mother at once.
In fact we have both the custody, Since no one has set any guidelines, we do not want anyone to tell us how to live. It is time and reality that allows us change the organization in a very flexible way. As the years go by, our son will surely spend time with one or the other, without anyone having to send him what he has to do.
The truth is that I wish that all couples who separated were able to forget your differences to understand what their children need, and no doubt it is that both parents remain present in their lives, although they live in the family home with the mother, who is usually the person with whom they have, by organization and nature, a closer relationship While they are tiny.
Conclusion
However, my opinion is that when the decision is controversial, you should always give priority to the child's interest, and, in most cases it is with the mother with whom they have a greater relationship of care and trust. With younger children, up to seven or eight years old, it is usually the attachment figure his mother, but also every family is a world, and there are cases in which the father may have assumed that main attachment figure for the child.
I really don't consider myself an example of shared custody, although on paper we have it. The boy has lived more with mom, because it was what made him happier, but his father has continued to be an important figure and, as he has grown, the relationship and time with dad has been increasing as he evolved. I am convinced of Bowly's attachment theory, and I don't think a separation should interfere with children's emotional needs.
Next week my child leaves an entire week with his father and I assure you that for both of them it is a painful separation yet, however we are all three sure that he will feel equally safe in my absence and if he misses me I will be available for him.
In cases of separation both parents, who are adults, should bury the ax of war and their particular wishes or interests, especially economic interests, to think about what their child, day by day, will make him grow up happy, secure, loved and protected by both.
Just a few days ago a friend asked me how to handle this issue and promised to think about it. This post is born from this reflection. My advice is that both parents should know how to put their son and his emotional needs ahead of time at all times to help him build a stable personality with the security of having a family although his parents are no longer a couple.
In principle, as I was saying, I personally am not in favor of shared custody by law, but by letting the child see his interest in having both parents present in the visitation and overnight system, but always assessing first of all his need to remain in the presence of his attachment figure, which will change to as it grows as long as both parents are willing to listen and respect their wishes.
Surely our readers have things to contribute to this post and I ask them to be encouraged to tell us what they think or how they have lived custody of the children, be it shared custody Or another solution.
