"Time out" or "thinking chair" are two strategies of behavioral modification, often used by some families, and even schools, to correct a particular child behavior. Basically, it involves excluding the child from the activity you are doing and sitting in a chair or in a corner, so that reflect on what you have done and modify your behavior.
But for many experts, these methods are a form of punishment, which moves away from positive parenting and respect and empathy that should prevail when educating our children.
Lorena García Vega is a pedagogue, Montessori guide and child and family educator, certified in Positive Discipline. His knowledge and years of experience, both in schools and private homes, has provided him with a broad vision of child behavior, and how adults face certain situations.
Babies and More has contacted her to discuss the methods of "the thinking chair" or "time out", and how we can replace them with other alternatives that are respectful and positive for the child.
In Babies and more Tips for positive discipline by age and stage, recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics What effects does the "time out" and the "thinking chair" have on the child?
The educator and teacher explains why neither of these two methods is respectful to the child, and how they can affect your behavior by applying them:
"As human beings and social beings that we are, one of our first goals is the sense of belonging and importance in a group. That is, we not only belong to a group but our contributions may be relevant to it ".
"If before a bad behavior (that sometimes is not negative, but in fact what happens is that the child is not fulfilling the expectations of the adult) we block it and remove the child from the situation or we pretend to reflect on it, several things are going to happen:
In Babies and moreThe stool with hourglass or the chair of torture1) The child is not being respected
With our attitude applying these methods, we will be nullifying the child's sense of belonging to the group and the importance this has for any individual. And, consequently, we will not be respecting you.
2) The punishment is not effective
"Although it may seem that the fact of block the child's misconduct through punishment, it really only works in the short term, and after a while the same bad behavior will appear again and again, so we will realize that the punishment does not work ".
In Babies and more, punishment is an uneducated method"With the repeated appearance of these behaviors we run the risk that the 4" R "of the punishment according to the Positive Discipline will also appear, which are:
- Resentment,
- Rematch,
- Rebellion,
- Retreat, which implies cowardice and the reduction of self-esteem.
"Let's take the example of the thinking chair. Starting from the basis that it is unfair and disrespectful to leave the child sitting there, let's think about what the child will be most likely to do in that situation: think about what he has done wrong, according to the adult, or think about how to get revenge? ".
3) We are not being kind or firm with our attitude
"The normal thing during the course of a punishment is that the adult shows insecurity towards the reasons that led him to punish the child, and "lift" the punishment. However, if the child acts badly again, the adult will reimpose the punishment, continually falling into a loop of bad behavior on the part of the child, and punishment on the part of the adult. ".
"At this point another of the fundamental principles of Positive Discipline appears, which is the kindness and firmness at the same time: kindness arises and is necessary because I respect you, and firmness arises and is necessary because I respect myself ".
In Babies and more The chemistry of emotions (or why we must raise with love and respect) "If we apply the methods of" thinking chair "or" time out "we are violating the sense of belonging to the group, we are not being kind , respectful, or firm with the child, and therefore can end up developing the 4 "R" of punishment, with the negative consequences that this has. "What respectful alternatives exist in the face of bad behavior?
From the point of view of Positive Discipline, Lorena explains to us the following methods or respectful alternatives that we can apply if our child presents a bad behavior that must be corrected:
In Babies and more Five basic steps to breed positively and without punishment"Time out positive"
"In situations of tension, the most appropriate is that both the adult and the child we retired a few minutes. This is called "positive time out", but it has substantial differences with the "time out" we just saw ":
On the one hand, we must explain to the child that we are both nervous and angry, and that from that position it is very difficult to find a respectful solution.
Then, we must explain the need for take some time to relax both of us, and when we are both prepared, we will resume the dialogue.
In addition, it is very important to make it clear to the child that in spite of the differences, the nerves or the anger, we want him above all, and we will be there.
In Babies and more Why make your son believe that you no longer love him is an inappropriate punishment: he left him alone to scare him and has been missing for days"The zone of" positive weather "can be created by the children themselves, with relaxing and comfortable music and elements that invite tranquility and tranquility. Unlike the" thinking chair ", which is a cold, hostile place and distressing that incites guilt and revenge, The "positive outside time" zone must be pleasant, quiet, safe and respectful".
Mutual respect
"Our adult behavior must include attitudes of trust and interest in what has happened, and not assume that the child has acted with bad intentions".
"Normally, in the face of bad behavior, the child feels discouraged, frustrated and misunderstood. What if instead of punishing him we try to listen to him? What if we simply offer him our love and trust?""But although respect must be reciprocal, we cannot force others to respect us. That is why, in case of living a situation in which we do not feel respected, we can tell the child that we will be happy to help or assist him when he finds a way to address us in a respectful way ".
Develop strengths, not weaknesses
"All of us we are made of strengths and weaknesses, but we should not only focus on the latter. Therefore, if we highlight their skills and abilities in front of our children, it will be easier and more respectful to address differences or misunderstandings, comply with the rules or / and accept the limits "
In Babies and more, praise the successes instead of always highlighting your children's mistakesLearn from mistakes
"Positive Discipline visualize the error as a wonderful learning opportunity, because all faults, faults or errors can be repaired. For this, what can we do ?:
Involve the child so that look for a possible solution, avoiding sermonizing or giving lessons.
Hold him accountable for his actions, don't punish him. That is, we must make the child progressively understand that all our actions have consequences on others. But teaching him to be responsible for his behavior is not synonymous with making him feel guilty..
Never withdraw our love
"This point really would not be an alternative, but a way of proceeding that we should always remember. And despite the anger, discussions or differences, we must never withdraw the child our love. Because they need to feel loved at all times, especially if that love comes from their parents. "
In Babies and more Emotionally connect with children, key to treating (and preventing) serious behavioral problems in childhoodCan we apply these alternatives at any age?
"Unlike the punishment, which has a short-term effectiveness, positive discipline has a long-term effect, but requires much more work and dedication on our part, therefore the sooner you start, the more path you will have to travel".
"On the other hand, we should know that the alternatives proposed by the positive discipline can be applied at all ages, although adapting them to the child's understanding and maturation ".
"In this way, as long as the child is small and does not understand the purpose of" positive time, "it will be the adult who leaves the place where the conflict has developed (always with prior explanation). When the child already understands that this procedure does not it is a punishment, it will also add to "time out positive" in search of a respectful resolution ".
Photos | iStock
Acknowledgments | Lorena García Vega - ConnectEmotions
