"Me more, me before, I better": competitions between brothers and how to manage them

When a new brother arrives at home, the reactions of those who now become "elders" can be very different. But what doesn't usually fail when they grow up is that between the brothers a competitive relationship is established.

Sibling rivalry can be of a very diverse nature, and if it is not managed correctly it can end up leading to major problems that affect your relationship and self-esteem. If you have more than one child, we tell you why competitions occur between them and what your position should be about it.

"Me more, me before, I better" Why do sibling competitions occur?

"Mom! You gave my brother more cookies than me!", "Who is the taller of the two?", "What do I sing better than my sister?", "Mom, dad, Who do you want more from us? "... Surely they all sound like one of these competitive questions or phrases, and it is even possible that it is more than one occasion you have lost your nerve.

And it is that among the brothers, anything can be the result of competition; from who finishes the food plate before, to who is the fastest dressing, who rings the bell before or who has made the best drawing.

The fact that our children compete with each other does not mean they don't want to. In fact, those of us who have more than one child, especially if they share the same age group or the same interests, are sure that we are used to their continuous displays of affection and to see them play together.

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But if so, why do they compete and get angry when it is the other who earns something that for us is an absolute trifle?

In general, sibling rivalry is related to jealousy and propitiated by the feeling children have of having to fight for the love or attention of mom and dad. That is why it is important to make them see that we love them, attend to them and listen to them equally.

How to teach our children that competing with violence is not good

Although we may not give importance to the competitions that our children carry out, it is important that we stop to think if we want our children to relate to the rest of society in the future from an unhealthy competitiveness. And it is that "competing" is not bad, provided it is done from a positive point of view, with dialogue, respect and the desire to excel as a backdrop.

But in the case of sibling rivalries this is not usually the case, so it is essential that parents address the issue from love, respect and empathy, making them see that competitions between them are meaningless. For this we can implement the following tips:

  • Showing them that the game or sport cease to be fun if competing from the confrontation, the fight or the arguments.

  • Teach our children to debate and discuss with respect, setting an example from an education without screaming, and teaching them to negotiate to resolve the conflict and maintain family harmony.

  • Educate them in peace and nonviolence, tolerance and the importance of respecting other children and rejoicing in the triumphs of others.

  • Make our children see that they are different and special in themselves, for how they are and for what they do and say. That is why, and because our love is the same for everyone, they do not need to compete or fight for our attention, because we will always be there for them.

What can parents do to avoid sibling rivalries?

As we have commented above, most of these competitions or rivalries are produced by a theme of jealousy, a natural feeling that sooner or later ends up arising before the arrival of a new member, it is logical that the older child tries to find his place in the new family structure.

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Therefore, from the minute one parents should favor a good relationship between the brothers, preparing the older brother during pregnancy and making sure that their union is growing strong and healthy. To do this, we can carry out the following tips:

  • In the first place, it is important to be patient, respect and validate the feelings that our children express to us, whatever they may be. As usual, The biggest concern that children who have siblings show is the fear of losing their parents' love, and that is why it is important to make them see that love does not divide, but multiplies.

  • Although children must understand that the love and dedication of their parents should be shared with siblings, it does not hurt try to dedicate an exclusive time to each child, in order to make them feel important, strengthen ties and be able to meet their needs more individually.

  • Show each of our children that for us they are unique and important, banishing comparisons and labels that can do so much damage to their development and self-esteem.

  • If the rivalry ends in a fight it is not always appropriate to intervene immediately. It is preferable to give them the appropriate tools so that they themselves resolve their conflicts.

In short, children must learn to know themselves, to trust their abilities and to recognize their virtues and limitations. This will lead them not to compare themselves with others, which will increase their esteem and prepare them for adult life.

Photos | iStock

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